We grow up with many examples of happy and unhappy marriages in our family and community. As we move towards adolescence and adulthood, fed by images from the media and from the world around us, we develop a good idea of the kind of partner we are looking for in our own lives.

The problem is, sometimes we grow up with too good an idea.

"I think today in India, women are asking more from their partners, because, for the first time, they are qualified, employed, with high self-esteem, and exposed to what's happening all around the world," says Aparajita, an entrepreneur running her own jewellery designing business. "Obviously, with such ideas, they don't want to settle for second best. What's the point of getting married to a guy who has the same ideas of marriage and women that your grandfather had? The new international branding of men as `caring' and women as `assertive' and `equal' is now applying to India too."

Aparajita's words may apply in a general sense, but for Charu, expectations of a desirable husband acquired a sharply personal angle when she met Harish. "He was altogether everything I wanted in a husband. So responsive to my moods, concerned about me, yet not doubting my ability to take care of myself. With him I always felt that mixture of respect and affection that I would want a husband to have for me - not treat me as some inferior being in need of his guidance." Where did Charu meet this paragon? At work - he was her boss. And what about the prospects of their relationship? There were none - Harish was a married man.

Listening to Aparajita and Charu makes me understand a very important aspect of women's dilemmas on the road to being happily married in India. They are being exposed to romance and love stories on the one hand and being introduced to so-called eligibles by their families on the other hand. The guys they meet are often lacking in maturity, or finesse, or just, a better understanding of women.

This is because they have led sheltered lives, plunged straight into a job after college and had no opportunity to observe the more complex relationships between men and women that men of an earlier generation who lived in joint families took for granted. This makes the young men appear `not smart' or `boring' or just plain `doofuses' like my daughter puts it.

What makes the whole situation a lot more dangerous for young women is the contrasting picture presented by other men in their environment - married men. It is a fact of life that even a few months of marriage is enough to make a man wiser to the ways of the opposite sex than total bachelorhood. It is this patina of `understanding' and maturity that makes married men so attractive to young women seeking a partner who will respect and care for them. In fact, unrealistic expectations of their life partners are dangerous for both sexes. But for women, they can become the trap that leads them into dead-end relationships, or staying single well into their thirties.

When a smart young women in her twenties looks at a slightly `doofus' like young man, who is not actually malicious or evil, she must regard him as a masterpiece-in-the-making, not as a finished piece of masculinity to be consigned to the dustbin of history.

Think what wonders you can achieve by being this man's partner. Don't become a victim of unrealistic expectations.